This post may contain some explicit content.
It’s the story of my first sexual encounter and I want to be as honest as possible. Before I can begin, I must take you back almost a year before the actual act. I was 17 years old, in high school, and still coming to terms with my sexuality. I developed strange feelings for guys at a young age and spent a lot of time thinking about kissing and doing more with them, but there was a problem. I never had “the talk” with my parents, so I didn’t know a thing about sex. I didn’t know what “more” meant, but the thought of two guys having sex always fascinated me, better yet, I became obsessed with it. I was really more curious about the idea of sex, rather than the act itself.
I remember sneaking to the backyard one night, logging into the internet from my PSP, searching gay websites for the first time, and finally being exposed to the online gay world. What I found shocked, but excited me at the same time. I was entering a different world, a gay one at that, which was much more sexual and raw. That night I saw another mans nude body for the first time and instantly got aroused. Seeing another person naked suddenly brought new sexual thoughts to mind. Thoughts of touching another man’s body, his thighs, his penis, his chest, his arms, and his face; I mean really touching these parts. I soon spent hours looking at pictures of naked gay men and inventing different scenes in my head, but after months, pictures were not enough.
I signed up for a gay dating site using a fake name because I was scared my friends would see me there. Interacting with gay guys proved more difficult than I had anticipated. I didn’t understand the language, and would get confused when I received messages asking if I was a “Top or Bottom?” I assumed that if I was on my back and a guy was on top of me being penetrated then surely I must be a bottom. I got many messages whenever I responded like that. Being young, inexperienced, and ethnic must have been appealing because I would go online and talk to many guys at once. I was soon addicted to the attention. The fantasies I once had were being replaced by ones that these men were providing for me. Perhaps months of chatting with nice gay guys and learning about sex from them was enough reassurance to try sex; or perhaps I was just horny.
He was Latino, 21 years old, and chubby. He asked if I had done anything with a guy and I responded with a simple no. He immediately sent a lot of messages asking if he could be my first. I still don’t know why I said yes to meeting with him after knowing him for less than an hour. I guess my urges got the best of me. I called him using my aunt’s number and risked being caught. For some reason I hoped that he didn’t answer. He didn’t and I felt relieved. That is until he called back. The conversation was brief, but he sounded like a nice person. He and I decided to meet at a nearby store. I immediately regretted my decision. I stepped inside, began sweating, and my heart began beating fast. He pulled up to the store really fast and didn’t even park correctly. He seemed really eager. He went inside the store, saw me, and signaled me to go to his car. I walked there slowly.
I entered his car and began breathing heavily. He quickly looked at me, rubbed my thigh, and told me that everything would be alright; I smiled. Then I took a real look at him. He looked more stocky in person and his face was much more round than in his profile picture. I couldn’t look at him directly because I felt nervous, so I looked down instead. He began asking if I knew of any places where we could have sex, and I told him that I didn’t and that I was sorry. He told me not to worry. He drove around and found an empty church parking lot and parked (I know, I’m the worst). He was quiet for a few seconds, but then he proceeded to undress me. I felt cold. I didn’t know where to look, so I looked outside the window. I had forgotten that it was around 3pm in the afternoon and that the sun was out. It was a really nice view.
I then looked at him as he was performing oral, and I suddenly felt small. Not in that sense. I felt unsure if I wanted to be in the car with this person, this stranger who I just met. He knew what he was doing and here I was not knowing a thing. I was sitting there in silence. He began complimenting me and saying that I was cute and perfect. I smiled; I really didn’t want to have a conversation with him. He began playing with himself and asked if I wanted to perform oral as well. I said no thank you, so he continued to perform oral on me again. I enjoyed being pleasured this way; I’m not going to lie. He seemed to be enjoying himself more than I was, so I felt a bit guilty. I finished quickly and cleaned myself on his towel. He began playing with himself again, but I didn’t want to look. Once done, he told me that he loved every moment of it. I didn’t say a word. He drove back to the store and he thanked me for the “fun” time. He told me to message and call him again. I just said okay.
I waited until he was out of sight and then walked home alone. I kept on thinking about what happened and why I decided to do something sexual with a stranger. I guess I felt dirty even though I did clean myself. I didn’t want to talk about what happened to anyone. It was years before I did anything sexual with another gay guy again. I remember arriving home, logging online, and blocking him.
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