Life: My Therapy Session

What happens when nobody listens or cares? It’ll be too late? Most of you won’t read this post, but it’s okay. 

I showed up ten minutes early.

I clicked on the light switch to let her know I was there and waited anxiously on the couch. As usual, soft elevator music was playing and the room was dim as if to invite calmness. I looked at my watch to make sure I wasn’t late. I wish I had canceled. I heard the door open and I saw her smile. I felt bad. Was she ready for what I was going to tell her? I took a deep breath, walked in, and sat down.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked.

“A lot of things.” I said. My mind was racing. I didn’t know where to start. From the beginning of dinner, after the bar, or during the drive home?

After a few seconds, I began to tell her my story.

“I saw my ex again.” I said.

“Oh” she replied. She knew our history.

I continued, “He invited me to dinner and I accepted. We ate, laughed, and I thought we were starting to move past our issues. I told him that I was going to go to a bar to meet a potential friend and I was excited because I hadn’t had a friend a could talk to in a long time. He said he was happy for me and that he may even make an appearance.”

At that moment, I stopped.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I thought he actually cared,” I said, “I met my friend and we were having a good time. I told him about my best friend and school  and he told me about his life and childhood. We related, but I couldn’t help and think about what my ex had told me. Was he really going to show up? A couple hours later and he did.”

“What happened then?” she asked.

I said, “I went up to him and he pretended not to know me. All of a sudden my world stopped. To think that someone who hours before invited me to dinner and who I shared personal details about my life acted as if I was a stranger.”

“That must be hard, what did you do after he told you that?” she replied.

I responded, “I only remember glimpses of that night. I remember feeling depressed. I remember telling the Uber driver that I had enough. And I remember taking all the pills I had in my drawer. 30 Trazadone, 23 Prozac,10 Propranolol,  and 12 Xanax. The next thing I remember was waking up on the floor at the police station. I guess someone had called and they thought I was drunk. The police officers didn’t know I had taken any pills and just took me away. They released me a couple hours later and I remember entering my room, laying myself on the bed, and sleeping for hours. I spent the weekend at home with a fever, my body shaking uncontrollably, not being able to pee, and feeling alone.”

I paused. All this time I had been looking down on the floor that I forgotten my therapist was there. I looked up. Her eyes kept from crying, but her face looked sad.

“I’m very grateful you’re alive to tell me this story,” she responded, “that you’re able to tell me me what happened coherently. Not everyone gets lucky enough to make it.”

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked.

“Nothing is wrong with you, it’s your inability to regulate your emotions that we need to manage,” she replied quickly.

“Can I ask something?” I said, “have you diagnosed me with anything?”

“Yes,” She replied.

Her response scared me. I wasn’t expecting her to reply with a yes. But for some reason, I knew this day would come. My life was full of pain. Full of traumatic events that I somehow managed to live through.

I looked up again. “What do I have?” I asked.

“Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder.” she answered.

The rest of the session went by slowly. We discussed my feelings and I ended up with the idea that my life needed to change. The next days were full of mental evaluations and appointments. That was the last time I saw my therapist. Not because she wasn’t good. But because I couldn’t afford it.

And that’s were I come in and ask for help from you.. I am asking for donations to go back to therapy. I plan to make a different page just for my writings on sessions and my progress. I want to go twice a week, but each session is $80. 

Dealing with BiPolar and Borderline Personality has been difficult. Thoughts of suicide and depression have been the story of my life, but somehow I have been able to be fortunate enough to come out alive and write about my experience.

Any type of donation would help. Even a reblog would be appreciated.

My name is Eddy and I have Borderline Personality Disorder and BiPolar, and I am alive to share my story. Thank you.


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15 thoughts on “Life: My Therapy Session

  1. Eddy,
    Have you consulted with your private insurance company? Most companies pay for treatment. And if you aren’t insured, a lot of government agencies will pay as well. Also, contact your therapist and tell her you want treatment but can’t afford the cost. Some will negotiate a better price. — you have an amazing gift with your writing, keep using it!

    • Good morning, I don’t have a private insurance. Although I had worked as an education specialist and academic support assistant, they were both part time jobs and I didn’t revive any benefits. Because of school, I had to quit my evening job (all classes were after 4PM), but they later closed down the positions on my other job (on my birthday), so I just focused on continuing my Masters program. The therapist set price is $120, but offers a discount for students. $80 is the lowest she will go. I haven’t been able to find a agency that pays for the full therapy.

  2. We are lucky in the UK as if we have therapy it is all paid for if you get referred by your doctor, you can go private as well, but to be honest we don’t really do therapy over here, it’s not the done thing with the British, I wish it wasn’t like that as I think it will help so many people, I have never thought about seeing a therapist, but maybe I should, it could answer a lot of questions I have, and why I’m like this. I really hope it all goes ok for you,

    • Awe. I recommend you do it if you get the chance. It’s good to let things out. And thank you for your kind words. It’s funny how a person who is struggling gets no support until that person is no longer in this world. Not that I will do that, but people’s behaviors are funny sometimes.

  3. We are also lucky in Australia as I get to have 12 free treatments per year if needed. I can condense them to once per week if needed or once per month just to keep me stable.
    Knowing what your diagnosis is can assist you in finding free therapy groups. Groups are not optimal therapy options but they are generally free. You can help each other understand and share what works for you. Blessings Dave

  4. Now I wish that I lived in the U.K. or Australia! Haha. Do you get 12 sessions regardless if you’re employed? And do the 12 sessions get renewed every year? I’m curious to know 🙂
    I’m glad you have the option to go to get some stability. I think every person should take advantage.
    Yes, I plan to go to group therapy after finals this semester. One I’m interested is Al-Anon, but there’s also a lot of benefit in individualized therapy.

  5. Try Liberation Institute. They take what you can afford, even if it’s just $20. They’re in the Mission. It’s mostly trainees, but I’ve met some great clinicians there.

  6. "Pucky" says:

    I am short on time at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that I read it. I subscribed to read more 🙂 Thank you!

  7. I’m so so sorry to hear about your story.
    My family has a historic of depression so I know how hard dealing with some bad thoughts can be.
    I’m very lucky to have parents who can afford paying my therapy sesions.
    I cannot donate much since the dollar is going crazy over here (oh dear political instability) but I hope even a little will already help somehow. I find it so important to go to therapy and sadly not everyone can afford it.
    Keep us updated
    I wish you the best

  8. You write very well. I support a community Depression Support Group here in India. Have you tried any support group? Not the same as a therapist but it might help. Unfortunately seek out therapy in India.

  9. Eddy, if you are in California and with little or no income, apply for MediCal – you can get both medical and mental health assistance. Both my adult kids have significant mental health issues and are both on MediCal. My daughter’s is through Kaiser becauses that is the last health insurance she had until she went on state disability and now no longer works and my son is receiving mental health care through our county through MediCal. He gets therapy and med management.

  10. Mike says:

    Eddy,
    I just discovered your blog and enjoy your writing style. Your story is very moving. You sound like a talented man who like most people has some scars from life that can be tough. That is great you were getting counseling that helped. There are many programs available at very low or no cost for outpatient counseling in the area. You might try one of those until you can continue with your therapist. Your writing is very talented. I hope you work this out so you can continue writing. I would enjoy seeing an update to your last entry to hear how you progressed. You are an inspiration.

    Mike

  11. Eddy, as usual, your work continues to amaze and inspire me. I just posted a post and I hope you will check it out. It is my first post in over a year. Hopefully more to come. Thank you, love! 🙂

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