Life: A Message To My Future Daughter

I want to start off by letting you know how happy I am that you’re in my life and to let you know you’re beautiful.

At the time of writing, I am 24 years old, have my Bachelors in Psychology, and working with at-risk adolescent girls. My life is far from perfect. I am single, living with my parents, and only working part time. Sometimes I wonder why I should keep going. Other times, I don’t want to stop. I am writing to let you know that I struggled to get you. See, at the age of 21, I realized that I wanted a daughter. But there were problems. I was gay and depressed. Young and immature. And all I could think about was how bad things had gotten with my family.

Back then, my family life wasn’t the best. Your grandmother and uncles had been deported, one of them was missing, and I was hiding my secret from everyone. So I moved to San Francisco to escape. I know. What a scary and selfish thing to do. To leave your family and be on your own. But you know what? Those two years were some of the best in my life. I was exploring a new city, making new friends, and being openly gay.

You see, I always struggled with making friends. Real ones. Ones who still wanted to be my friend even if I shut down on them repeatedly. And on those cold nights in San Francisco, surrounded by my gay friends studying, playing, or drinking, I felt accepted. And for a brief moment I was happy.

When I left San Francisco to move back in with my family, I realized that I had to become an adult. But I never was good with change. And boy did I struggle. I was jobless. Poor. Lonely. And my depression worsened. I thought about leaving this world. And how nobody needed me.

I hope you don’t think about the same things I once thought. Or I hope you would be able to talk about them with me. Things do get better. I can promise you that much.

Because when I was about to give up on the world, the world showed me that it wasn’t going to give up on me. I ended up getting a job working with at-risk adolescent girls. And just like that my life changed. I actually looked forward to waking up in the morning. And taking care of those girls, who never experienced a loving home or were struggling to find hope in their young lives, gave my life purpose for once. And when I held their daughters, looked in their eyes, and saw their smile, I knew what I wanted in my life.

I wanted you.

I know I will have to wait a few years from now to adopt you, but I can’t wait. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms for the first time. I can’t wait to stay awake all night trying put you to sleep.  I can’t wait to get tired after running around the house playing with you. Because hearing your laugh will be worth it. I can’t wait to hear you talk and have a conversation with you. And to understand the world as you see it. I can’t wait to see you grow into the most beautiful person you can be.

So I would like to thank you. For being there for me even when you weren’t. And I hope that makes sense someday. And if it doesn’t, I’ll make sure I’ll be there to tell you.

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51 thoughts on “Life: A Message To My Future Daughter

  1. I love your blog! so interesting, connecting with similar thoughts of my own bar the daughter part which was probably the main message of the story however I like the struggle and wanting to feel worth something.

    • Actually, I think the struggle and wanting to feel worth something is more of the main message. I could have easily written this to a son or someone deeply important to me. Thank you for understanding the underlying message.

  2. This is such a beautiful and touching letter to your future daughter. Years from now I hope to read your post about her reaction when she has read it.

    It also reminds me of a really beautiful song called ‘I Hope You Dance’. I won’t link the YouTube video here as I don’t seem to know how to do it without the video itself turning up in the comments, but check out there the version by Irish singer Ronan Keating. It’s really nice. Cheers.

    • I hope I am still writing on this blog by that time. Awe. I really like the song. And the music video with so many adorable children is sweet. Thank you your kind words and thanks for recommending that song 🙂

  3. This is so beautiful and heartwrenching. I wish you all the luck in the world! I also want you to know that you’re not alone in how you feel… Which I know sounds cheesy and perhaps a little generic. 😀

  4. We are all on a journey of self-discovery. I don’t think it will ever end on this side of heaven like what St. Augustine of Hippo once wrote more than a millennia ago:

    “Oh God, you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless until they rest upon you”.

    Confessions.

    We all have restless heart. Seek happiness in the wrong places and hope against despair. Reading your posts it is very clear to me that you are genuinely seeking something better but it seems unreachable. I can also see that you are hurting but Be Strong! You can make it! Open your heart to the good, the true and the beautiful and I promise you, you will find that fulfillment in the most unexpected places.

    God bless!

    • Thank you for the kind message. I guess I am hurting a it, but I will survive. I mean I have to, you know. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

      • You are most welcome!

        A while back I was listening to a radio program and they were interviewing the producer of a film that I think you may like. It speaks a lot about some of the issues that you are going through. Personally, it gave me a different perspective, it is one thing knowing something at an intellectual level and another meeting someone, at least through the lenses of a movie. While writing to you it came back to me and I though it may interest you or a the very least will give you a different perspective of Catholic anthropology on human sexuality.

        http://www.blackstonefilms.org/films.html

      • OH wow. I really liked this video. A lot of what the people talked about growing up are some of the same things I wen through. Thank you for sharing this video with me. I really really really liked it 🙂

  5. You sound like a wonderful person and this was a great article. That is going to be one lucky kid someday to have someone who will care so much for them. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be fine!

    • Glad you liked my post. And awe. That made my night. Sorry for the late reply, but thank you still. I think I will be the lucky parent when I adopt 🙂

  6. Alisha says:

    Love your truth and honesty. A lot of people are way beyond 24 before they realize you are living this life for you and what you want is what matters most. I have suffered depression and still struggle to deal with it myself.

    • Thanks. I was trying to be as honest as possible. Sorry about your struggle with depression. I hope things work out well for you. I am sure they will. And if you want, you can message me whenever you feel a little depressed.

  7. Eddy, this was so beautiful. Reading the emotion you put into this brought tears to my eyes. What a sweet thing to write for your future daughter! She will be lucky to have you as a father figure 😊

  8. I understand the longing to be a parent, for family of your own when the families we are born into don’t always see us as we are and accept us. Any child would be lucky to have you as a father.
    Thank you for sharing these intimate words.

    • Yup, I have been having this feeling for quite some years now. And I will accept my daughter 100%. Thank you for the kind words. I will be lucky to have her as my daughter. Thanks for reading my intimate words.

  9. Thank you Eddy for following my ‘rants’ as well. Very fun blog you have here! And for the future child, you WILL get there and will be a great dad… it’s part of your growing – leaving home and returning are the hardest I’m sure, but it’s being YOU that was obviously needed. Glad you discovered that and THAT is what you’ll share with your future daughter (or son)! (Speaking from a mom’s perspective and always hoping for the best for every child). Hugs

    • Thank you Laura. I have actually changed views on wanting a daughter. Kind of. My brother recently had one and I have been there for her since she was born. I think I will treat my niece as if she was my own. I have come to realize that this post still applies to her. And I am fine with that 🙂

  10. So I read this. I could feel your emotions in it. I’m glad you didn’t give up. I wish we could have a conversation on another platform because I am an adolescent girl who just got out of the “suicide thing” as I would call it.

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