My Complicated Life (A Satire)

I complicate my life too much. Honestly.

I don’t mean to make things complicated. Things just turn out that way.

If I wasn’t so reluctant to publicize my life to friends and family, I would have updated my relationship status to “It’s complicated.” My 2 year on-and-off relationship would have ended the day after my ex and I met for sex, but it didn’t. Instead I chose to seek him, love him, lose him, seek him again, fight for his love, lose interest in him, have him seek me, regain interest in him, love him again, lose him again, and complicate my life even further. I had it all wrong. I thought drama sought me, but I seem to seek drama.

All my life I wanted to be spontaneous and fun, or at least have an exciting life, but this fantasy just complicates my life. Fun and spontaneous means going to random clubs and drinking until I black out, but mix in my sexual provocative behavior (grabbing and kissing random strangers) and you will have a story to tell during our sober interactions. I will then assure you that I am not a wild party animal because…I really am not. I just don’t know other ways I can be fun and spontaneous. I complicate my life without knowing just how complicated I make it. You see, I have mistaken drama with fun and that always complicates things.

And if you want to start a relationship with me, I will convince you that I am not ready to start dating but get angry when you don’t want to date me. Heck, I will even tell you that I am not looking for sex, but I will have naked pictures ready and be fine if you ask to have sex with me. I’m not complicated. I just make things complicated.

Want to be my friend? I hope not. You will have to text me at least once a week or I will get angry at you for not replying. I may even forget about you. But I will tell you that you shouldn’t get mad at me when I don’t text you because “I was just too busy.” I will treat you as if you and I were in a relationship because being in a real relationship is just too hard for me right now. Instead, I will complicate our friendship.

My complicated behavior isn’t limited to friends and boyfriends. Nope. If you’re a family member, I will love you from a distance because that’s how we always did it. I will make an appearance during big holidays or special events in our lives, but I’ll be on my own most of the time. I will say I’m happy even though I know that you know I am not. I won’t be completely honest with my feelings or my relationship because you just aren’t ready to hear my truth.

My truth: My first relationship fucked me over. I have trust issues now. I seek attention from guys. I fear yet want a relationship. I sometimes distance myself from my friends because getting too close to someone can go wrong. My fear of disappointing my family over my sexuality keeps me from being completely honest with them. They won’t be able to understand me.

Dang, I honestly complicate my life too much.

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14 thoughts on “My Complicated Life (A Satire)

  1. The best advice I ever received was that before I become involved in a relationship with a guy I should first have a relationship with myself. It sounded weird at first, but it really did help me. Take yourself out on dates to do the things YOU want to do.

    • TK says:

      This is so true and it’s not just about loving yourself. It’s about working every day to become the person you want to be. I remember, as a child in the midst of horrid bullying, imagining the perfect person. She would be strong enough to stand up to those who wronged her but compassionate enough to avoid condemning them. I realized that I could be that girl if I just took little steps every day.

  2. To be honest, we all complicate our lives in one form or another. It’s just a matter of being happy with who you are yourself, and once that happens you’ll find someone who likes you for you as well.. now if only I could take my own advice 😉

  3. joeandhisblog says:

    That all does sound complicated. When things in my life get complicated I make the effort to simplify it. I either resolve or ignore any issues and move on the best I can.

  4. I can relate with the relationship part about love-hate relationship, for three years but with a girl.

    You know who you are, that´s a step I guess. You do seem a little complicated, so I won´t try to be your friend. It´s your advice. You said it. Just tell your family, they probably know either way. Life is unfair, it sucks, I´ve been through a lot of shit, probably shit that only less than 1% of the population can understand, and have made very bad choices in life. But you just bounce up again and keep going, tragedy is the name of the game. Each of us has his or her own “tragic” moments in life. What sets people apart is the way the deal with it.

    Stay Frosty gent.

  5. thehowlingfantogs says:

    Welcome back. Not seen a post from you in a while. I know how it feels to get fucked up by a past relationship. It does take a while to come back from that. Everyones life is complicated in some way. You just have to try anf not sweat it too much.

  6. jerryfernandes19 says:

    To an extent we all are that way. it all happens because we love ‘living in a fantasy world’. Real life sucks a bit, it’s boring as yu put it across, so we seem to want the ‘perfect, funny, adventurous life’, but we complicate our life in an attempt to get there.
    the best way to snap out of it is to be practical, don’t have over expectations from people and start loving yurself. the need for fun and spontaneity would disappear to an extent because yu will start loving things around yu th way it is then.
    And come out of closet to yur family if possible. yu will feel liberated. its a good feeling!

  7. That is complicated. That’s okay, though. I mean okay as in- complicated is not something to feel guilty about, because it sounds like you’re doing the best you can, and at least you’re aware of yourself which is the first GIANT step, and one that many people never reach, and it’s okay because it doesn’t mean it will always be this way.
    I wish I had advice, I really don’t besides don’t beat yourself up- if you are. We all do things.

  8. I can identify so much with this post and the next in the series. I lived as a gay man actively for 10 years, but felt gay most of my life. I could have written these two posts myself. It was after years of searching for Mr. Right and “finding” him twice that I realized what I was looking for was friends and brothers not exes and lovers. God led me out of homosexuality and my relationships with guys are deeper, richer with intimacy between my straight friends and I that I never found as a gay man. Not here to preach or condemn. You just sound like you’re on a similar journey as me. Wanted to share. I love your writing style.

  9. You’re on the journey to accepting who you are. You’ll find a wonderful and long lasting love when you love completely who you are and how you show up in this world. People do hurt us, and also do wrong by us, and after some experiences like those, you can disengage from it, take lessons with you and seek out something different. You will because you’re honest and authentic. (I’ll enjoy reading your path along the way too.)

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