My Dating Life

I am destined to be single. End of story…Well kinda.

I want to talk about my dating life.

I’ll start by telling you that I have a bad past. When I first started coming to terms with my sexuality, I was having a lot of meaningless sex with guys I met on gay dating sites or Craigslist (go ahead and judge). I met these guys discreetly. I was just a random hook up, a mediocre at best and a lousy one at worst. See, back then the idea of being in a relationship was hard for me to understand.

After a few years of discreet hook ups, I met my first boyfriend (at least, that’s how I would like to describe our relationship). We met, had sex, and continued talking on-and-off for two years. The reason being, he was in an on-and-off relationship with his boyfriend of five years (I found out nine months into our relationship). I have a bad habit of getting myself into bad situations. We stopped talking months ago and now I’m officially single.

To be honest, I’m scared of being alone, but aren’t we all? I just don’t want to go back to the meaningless sex. I never want to feel like an object to be used for sex ever again.

I have gone on a few dates. Each ending with the guy being recently single and not ready to start a relationship, only wanting sex, showing no interest, or living too far from me. I’ve been using Grindr, OkCupid, Adam4Adam, and Jack’d, but I can’t seem to find a “single” guy in Orange County who wants a relationship. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have condensed my search to taller, older, nerdy, white guys. I can’t help it. I think they are just the cutest! I’m attracted to their sense of entitlement, pale skin, travel stories, and vastly different ways in which they grew up compared to me. It took many years to develop this preference. And many heartbreaks. But I’m a bit closer to knowing the type of guy with whom I want to start a relationship.

My best friend once said that I’m smart, funny, caring, and genuine. And I believed her. Until I realized that there isn’t a guy out “there” who wants to be with me. I guess it was just her job to lie in order for me to feel better.

I’m not sad or depressed. I’m actually in a very exciting point in my life. I would just like to share these moments with someone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Are guys really only interested in looks? I guess I’ve never been “sexy,” “hot,” or physically attractive enough for this gay world (or the world in general). I forgot that’s all gay guys want in the end. I don’t mean to sound so negative. I’m normally not. Honest. But lately, I’ve just given up. And I’m tired of trying.

I mean…I have dreams. I have goals. I have a job and on my way to having a great career working with adolescents and children. I have ambition. I want kids in the future. I want to get married eventually. I’ve never cheated. I find the idea of an open-relationship morally wrong. I don’t care much about looks (heck, I have a hard time knowing what pieces of clothing match). Are my values just different from many guys? Why can’t I find a guy who wants what I want? I guess I’ve just been trying too hard to find Mr. Right.

I just want a guy who will like me as much as I like him. One we is curious to know more about me and will ask me as many questions as I ask him. One who will randomly call me because he wants to talk and will stay awake late at night to text me even though he has to wake up early for work in the morning. One who enjoys going to the beach or staying home to watch a Batman movie. One who likes to cuddle and kiss. One who isn’t afraid to share his feelings and doesn’t hesitate to hold my hand. One who laughs at my corny jokes and tries to make me laugh. One who will let me into his life. But who am I kidding? I’m just being unrealistic.

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39 thoughts on “My Dating Life

  1. I know exactly where you’re coming from, the only difference is I am straight. I have guys who have been interested but not ones that I am attracted to or are my “type”. I wonder too sometimes if I am meant to be single, but I am still pretty young and am just being over dramatic. There is this one guy friend that I have that I am really close with and that I like a a lot, but he doesn’t date long distance and he’s never had a girlfriend so I’m scared to tell him even though I think he knows. Anyways being single isn’t always bad it has it’s pros and cons. Yes it’s nice to be able to cuddle and have someone who cares about your every need and loves you for you, but at the same time when that person is meant to enter our life they will.

  2. Sometimes I feel like I’m being over dramatic and meant to be single as well. Hence, the over dramatization of my very first sentence. I am straight-forward with the guys who I have no interest in for relationship purposes, but I at least have an idea of what I want. Maybe you don’t need to tell this guy. Maybe if you continue talking to him he’ll find a reason to be able to visit you. I really hope this works out for you 🙂 I know that special someone will enter my life when they will, but I just don’t like the idea of not knowing.

  3. My dear Eddy, your issue isn’t a gay issue. It’s a human issue. I think it’s terrific that you know what you want and your moral standards. You may consider dating slightly older men and use a less sex driven dating site. In the mean time, find your joy in friendships. If it gets really bad, use a battery powered savior. God knows, women do!

  4. This is a well-written and courageous post by you. All of the above responses give you a part of the puzzle solution but the most relevant working and ultimate answers lie within yourself alone, which you have expressed quite well here. There are many personal phases in Life, and many choices to be made and re-evaluated all the while. Having lots of sex is fun in periods … until it is not enough in itself anymore — just like other thrills, joys, addictions and lifestyle habits. Allow yourself to enjoy the “newly-discovered You” at each and every moment of your Life. The most important love and respect starts with loving and respecting oneself. At that point it is quite possible to live alone without feeling lonely. Most relationships are a lot of work, and few last an entire lifetime (luckily, perhaps, since imho it is more personally-beneficial to use relationships for personal growth rather than as a life-long buffer against growth and change). I have been single now for almost ten years (after the death of my partner). And it is okay. I am not lonely. Before then I was in a constant succession of relationships, marriages, partnerships from the age of sixteen until the age of fifty. Now that I have learned to be alone without the fear of loneliness I am cautiously opening myself up to the possibility of a new relationship again. But — like you — I know quite well what I do not want or need. And that ain’t all bad.

  5. You’re incredible and perfect how you are. Stop looking so hard and the pieces will fall in place. Mr Right will come when he’s ready, not when he’s asked. It’s always best for both partners to be in a place where you want a man, not when you need one. Because then you know you’re in their life because they want you there, not because they need someone to play a certain role.
    You sound like you’re a lovely person- I promise he will be worth the wait xx

  6. Hi, if you ever decide you’re into vagina, call me. 😛

    I totally get where you’re coming from though… recently single. Feels like there’s no one out there who wants me or who I want back. Weird thing is it seems like we’re actually all looking for the same thing. Paradox?

  7. Don’t think or worry too much. You have your good health, your youth, your good looks (I really think you’re goodlooking) friends and family, education and you’re starting the career you want. Why not pick up new hobbies or activities, like sports or volunteer work, book clubs, whatever, but also choose stuff that will let you meet new guys. Make friends with them but don’t push yourself to find a boyfriend. Real friends tend to last longer than boyfriends anyway.
    And casual sex is fine. Enjoy your singlehood while you still have it! I like to think, “There is a time and place for everything. F**k all you want when you’re single, and be loyal and monogamous when you have someone.” Just make sure you always use protection. And casual sex doesn’t have to be meaningless. People you hook up with just for sex can turn out to be nice people who just happen to like casual sex, but might also be people who you can talk to, who might turn out to make great friends too. I’m 40 now. When I was in my teens, my friends thought of me as a slut because I f**ked around a lot and said “I’ve never had a boyfriend I didn’t sleep with on the first night of meeting him.” Today I’m still with the same older guy I picked up at a mall for sex 20 years ago haha.

  8. My relationship just ended this year and it felt like the one and only chance for something lasting. And you know what, that relationship started with simple little chats with this nice guy on Grindr. Then one random day we decided to meet and it was an instant connection. The thing is, all our chats were platonic and there was never a mention of sex or dating. It was a random unexpected encounter. There is substantial truth to the adage that it happens when you stop looking. I know, I hate hearing that too, especially since I’m single again. But that’s how it happens. It really does. So keep up the personal development and exploration of life and you will cross paths with someone you will connect with in that special, lasting way. And it might be from a casual encounter. Good share!

  9. This is something I can easily empathise with you on, as I’ve been feeling that way myself for way too many years to recall and haven’t written about the same feelings on my own blog. In the end all you can truly do is get on with your life, and hopefully someone will come along who wants to be a part of it with you, because you are who you are. Big hugs and thanks for stopping by today. Mx

  10. If dating taught me anything, it’s that most guys you’re gonna meet online are good as trash. Only a few wants the kind of relationship WE want. But that’s the way it is. No judgment. You just need to enjoy it, whether or not it’s your idea of a relationship. Take it from someone who had been too early bird in dating and hookups, and never had been regretful of the bad decisions I’ve made in choosing the guys I’ve dated some years back.

    You just have to live more by not closing your doors to every possible relationship. How it might turn up should be least of your worries.

    And you’re attractive, man! Don’t let your past experiences define you, whether it be in the gay department or in general. Thanks for dropping by on my blog, by the way. *sending you hugs from the Philippines*

  11. Hey Eddy! Thanks for liking my post!
    I wish you good luck with love, I have a pretty similar taste to yours, love tall, skinny, white and nerdy boys! They are indeed the cutest (-:

  12. You shouldn’t say you have bad looks. You are a handsome man and will have the kind of love you are looking for. Everyone has issues in finding love and developing relationships with others. I wish for your happiness.

  13. pamonn says:

    I’m loving your blog! Thanks for following me so I could find you! Good luck finding a boyfriend…I’m keeping my eye open for you!

  14. Hey, nicely written. It looks like you have plenty of advice. I’m sure you have thought and know most of it. It’s good you know what you want in a partner. Now don’t waste a moment developing yourself. We should be in a constant state of evolution. The universe doesn’t owe you the Disneyland happily ever after, it has given you health, brains and talent. It is up to you what you do with those blessings. Good luck, love and laughter.

  15. Ohhhh I went through something similar when I first came out! I didn’t want to do the meaningless sex thing but all I was finding on every dating site were women who just wanted to hook up. It was frustrating. But then I met someone amazing who was terrified to even admit to herself that she was gay. We became fast friends and nearly 3 months in, she finally came out and knew she loved me. We’ve been happy together ever since and are now planning our wedding! Moral of the story: it will happen for you. As much as it sucks right now, just think of this “single” time as a time to devote to make yourself the best “you” that you can be. Yes I’m completely full of clichés today but hey it’s the truth. Focus on growing yourself as a person, and the rest will fall into place. I promise! You can read the rest of my story at britelvn.wordpress.com!

  16. I’m in the same boat as you and I wish I had a few good cliches or pats on the back or “go-yous” to throw out there, but you and I both know that it’s not that simple. I’m now at that age where all but one of my friends, gay and straight, are in relationships and/or engaged and/or married and/or having babies; so it’s a little trying at times and despite being happy for them at the same time I remain a little sad for myself.

    So here’s what I’m doing: for the first time in ages really focusing on things that make me happy. The hobbies which gave me the stories which made me engaging for my friends and colleagues and family members. I’m writing again (often!), I’m taking a few classes at local schools/institutes, reinvigorating my gym routine, etc. I’m also taking a break from social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) because they serve to demotivate me – I’m getting back to basics.

    Stay strong, stay positive, and stay the great person that you are. It may work out, it may not – no one, no matter what they tell you, knows – but be content in your own skin again. So, if the right person does come along, you’ll be ready.

  17. Hi Eddy,

    You sound like a sweet and caring guy, so eventually you will find someone. Heck, as a tall, older, slim, somewhat nerdy white guy, I’d go out with you if I were closer and didn’t already (more or less) have a BF already. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re more handsome than you think. And this world has a way of throwing strange curve balls, many of them turning into wonderful surprises. You might even meet Mr. Wonderful through your blog.

    Saludos,

    Kim G
    DF, México
    Where we are trying to patch things up with our own, estranged BF.

  18. esewalter says:

    Hey, thanks for stopping my my blog and bringing me here. On my own part, since I was 18, I had either been in a relationship or been breaking up with a guy. I have never had 2 weeks break to just be with myself. It’s been 10 years now and I recently found out this was a problem. Like I am constantly needing to be with someone for validation or to feel complete. I have chosen to give myself some time since my last relationship ended recently to just live, love and grow. Get to know me and become clearer on my life’s journey. That will do you a lot of good too. And as most people have already said, it will come when you are not looking. Good luck.

  19. I think everyone hits that slump at some point…is something wrong with me? The answer is yes. None of us are perfect we all have flaws, not everyone is going to be accept your flaws and that’s okay. Someone will come along that will see your flaws and still want you. The bad part is we never know when that is going to happen. Don’t sell yourself short just because you don’t want to be alone. Keep the faith!

  20. I really can understand your story. With my experience you will have better luck falling in love with some random guy from the gas station or your friends thanksgiving dinner rather than from some website where, I hate to say, most of the guys are just looking for a quick sexual encounter. I think that you really will find someone that will change your life forever; everyone has a soul mate. Always remember every person you meet could be the one even if you do not realize it yet and even if it seems totally unlikely at the moment you first meet.

  21. TK says:

    I think a lot of people have felt just like you do right now. My suggestion (only because it’s what worked for me) is to try and become comfortable living the single life. Throw yourself into your dreams and hobbies. The second that you finally feel you have it all figured out, a man will come into you life and mess it all up again (in a positive way).

    Other than that, I suggest finding sites or activities that aren’t necessarily dating based. When I first moved away from home, I used a website called MeetUp.com to find friends. There are groups on there for people interested in dating, but there are also groups for people who just want to hang out.

    Have fun with life and know you are a valuable person. The right person for you will come in time.

  22. Wow, I can relate deeply to this.I cant let guys in because there has never been a real connection. Looks, money,sex, I couldn’t care less for those. Ambition, love, passion, happiness, and honesty are what I am looking for. You have some great posts and it seems that you are going to end up with everything that you need. Your head just seems to be absolutely in the right place.

  23. Thanks for sharing your story. I love your courage and vulnerability to write about your experience. There are great guys (like yourself) out there hoping to meet someone like you. I can’t wait to read more of your story. Keep sharing!

  24. I have to agree with one of the comment above though…
    There seemed to be some kind of scent or something when you are looking that scares guys away. 😛
    I think every time I stopped wanting a relationship, BAM! It happens.
    Good luck. Don’t limit yourself to whatever phenotype a guy has. I think the most important thing is how well you get along with this person, and if there were sexual attraction. Sometimes those qualities are found at somewhere you have never looked before.

  25. I’ve discovered your blog through my blogger friend Liam in Cape Town … and I love it. I find much about you truly attractive: your honesty, your sincerity, your openness and your masculinity. What a great discovery you are ! I shall follow your blog now and spend time catching up on posts I’ve missed. If you’re ever in Paris …

  26. Look. Mate. You’re a good looking, sweet guy who is clearly very thoughtful. You’re traits are not the thing holding you back! Your attitude is!

    Stop looking and start trusting in the idea that WHEN the right person comes along you will know it.

    As you say sleeping around gets you nowhere, so really what else is there to do but wait and see what the universe throws at you.

    You only have to find the right guy once. Until then see if you can find yourself 😉

    Believe me the latter is hardest.

  27. thehowlingfantogs says:

    I have only just noticed this post. Thought I’d not seen anything from you in a while. I guess it’s easy to say, but you do meet someone when you least expect it. I was looking for love for so long, but it was only when I gave up and thought I would just enjoy myself that I met my boyfriend. A other great post.

  28. Sam says:

    Hi Eddie

    I’ll not discourage you by any means, I’m exactly in the same boat as you. I had meaningless sex on numerous occasions. I’m muscular, not a bad looking guy but after sleeping with so many guys at the end of the day i’m by myself. Sometimes i feel very lonely especially on weekends when everybody is enthusiastic on doing many things on weekends i generally have nothing exciting on my plate. Then i starts replacing this feeling of loneliness by going to gym or keep myself busy in doing shopping etc. what i have concluded man sometimes i think this gay world is not for me. an the harsh reality of the gay world is as long as you are young people stay with you unless you are extremely rich. I’ve had experiences when i hook up with people on grindr and found they are on dope, its just not a safe environment anymore. But i’ve accepted now to be alone, i stopped giving me false hopes that i’ll find someone one day. Sorry man its just the reality of a gay life. I really hope may be one day you’ll find someone trustworthy. Good Luck.

    Sam

  29. Hi Eddie, i love your blog! as simple as that, so please keep on writting. I didnt have the time to write in the past and now I am a blogger like you. I am sure you will find the love of your life one day, sometimes it takes time, I did not have luck with ‘normal’ dating and thanks to the Internet I met my partner. One of my best friends is gay and took him a long time to find real love. Sometimes love isnt just around the corner, it could be in a land far away and yes it is not all about sex, it is about the feeling you have inside your heart for someone else, and have things in common to enjoy life together. Good Luck and keep on writting!

  30. When I was young, I never thought I would get married. (Maybe discovering I was bisexual at 46 had something to do with that). But I found my soul mate when I was 25, at the Denny’s where I worked, of all places. If shy, introvert cranky me can find my soul mate, it’s possible for anyone.

    But you need to learn to be happy with yourself before you can accept happiness with another person.

  31. stormydreams says:

    All I can do is tell you the story of how my husband and I met. He was actually my ex-fiance’s roommate. We met when I was taking something back to my ex that belonged to him. My now husband opened the door. Obviously, we did not begin dating right then because he was my ex-fiance’s roommate! We did keep running into each other (we had the same circle of friends). There was no real ‘dating’ before one day, while we were both out having a smoke, he just grabbed me and kissed me. THEN asked me out.

    It seems to me, from the people I have spoken to both gay and straight – it finds YOU when YOU stop looking for it.

    I wish you the best of luck.

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