My Life….Censored

I’m in a better place in life right now, a much more peaceful place.

The months after graduating from San Francisco State have been chaotic to say the least. I have behaved in certain ways that shocked me. I have said certain things that I shouldn’t have said. I thought things that many people would consider morally wrong. To tell you the truth, I just lost control of myself, but I’m taking it back now.

I remember having a conversation with my best friend about me one night (something I rarely do). She told me she was concerned about certain things I have done in my life to the point where she considered ending our friendship. She hoped that I would change once I realized that the things I do affect the people in my life. I didn’t know what to say. I felt hurt. So I began telling her the story of my childhood. I told her about my parents, my brothers, the teasing, the fighting, the crying, the neglect, the hiding, the frustration, the anger, and the pain. I cried. I’m glad she didn’t end our friendship that night.

I have been thinking about what I’ve gone through the past few years and how much of these stories I have shared with people. To be honest, I probably shouldn’t be sharing everything that I have gone through. You will criticize me (I know you will).

I can tell you the confusion about my sexuality and being neglected as a child played a major role in how I behaved. I have woken up naked in a house with three random strangers (I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks); I have walked drunk for hours in the rain at two in the morning because I wanted to sleep next to my ex; I have had sex in the house and cars of random men in order to fill a certain void in my life; I have been drunk way too much and have had many panic attacks; I have been a stalker and stepped over many boundaries; I have deliberately made others feel bad about dating me; I have demanded instant replies to my texts and calls;  I have been way too clingy and needy; I have made fake dating profiles to get information from people; I was playing a role in my head and I lost touch with reality.

My best friend once said that I was fully aware of my actions (I really wasn’t), that I understood the consequences (I really didn’t), and that I was able to reflect and explain the reasoning for my behavior really well (I just rambled). She didn’t understand how someone with a psychology degree could behave so destructively. She was concerned about the risks I put myself through and didn’t want me to throw my life away. She was right.

I realized that I had put my life at risk far too many times and I need to change. I also realized that I have to maintain a certain image in the field that I am wanting to go in, so I should learn to censor myself. I’m 23 and I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have way too much to learn about myself and about people.

Perhaps the time isn’t right for me to tell the most darker parts of my life. Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you about the events that almost lost me a friend. Perhaps a glimpse of my life is enough for you right now.

I have been busy volunteering and attending workshops. I took my behind-the-wheel driving test and passed. My best friend and I are becoming closer than ever. Reality hit me and now I’m at a peaceful place in my life.

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17 thoughts on “My Life….Censored

  1. You are singing to the choir here. *sighs* Having quite a few years on you, I’ve had plenty of time to do stupid/dangerous/risky/idiotic things, so I understand where you’re coming from. Hopefully you’ll stay out of it longer than I did!

    (Sometimes I have to hit my head on that brick wall a few times before I get the point. *frowns*)

  2. Awesome! Welcome to the life that you are meant to live. Dare I say (as a future minister) I too have had a lot of those stories that you mention in this post. I am grateful to have survived (literally) and I look at every day as a gift and pointing toward a much more important purpose than just my or someone else’s physical gratification.

    Don’t beat yourself up though if you fall “off the wagon” and find yourself drunk in someone else’s bed again. Just understand it as part of the process of evolving into the full expanse of the person you need to be, with good and bad experiences under his belt. Thanks for the reminder this morning that we are all very, very human. 🙂

  3. Adrian says:

    I loved this post! I think it’s awesome that you are realizing the faults in your character (something that many people never do in their lifetime). I believe that as individuals, we should always strive to better ourselves and to never be content. I wish you the best.

  4. So refreshing to see someone at your age able to realize that mistakes are made and that is a part of life. That you are taking responsibility for what your truth is and trying to change and grow from it. It is inspiring and I wish you all the best in the world. You are a living testament to my philosophy that we must learn from the past or we will be doomed to repeat it.

  5. I’ve been reading your posts for a while now, our lives experiences are eerily similar; Life is chaotic until you decide that it isn’t, your making the right choice. Best of luck to you.

  6. You are definitely on your way to being the best person that you can be. I can relate to everything that you listed above. Alcohol makes us do crazy/stupid things but you must remember that it is not who YOU are. Good luck, my friend!

  7. Agreed with all above me! Thank you for the honesty, your story is a common one for many of us who have struggled with loneliness, alcohol, and sex.

    I too had a very sexually active past, sleeping around and filling my internal sense of emptiness with hedonism.It was fun, but ultimately meaningless. I also realized that my behavior as well as my outlook needed a change. A good relationship has helped me change some, as well as some good therapy and the ability to share my experiences on here.

    I’m glad we found each other on here.

  8. I don’t know if everyone goes through this point in life, however I can tell you that I’ve been there. I can relate so much to this you have no idea…thank you for opening up to us.

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