My Life In Private

I’m a private person. I don’t mean the type of private where you keep to yourself and never let anyone know what you’re doing. I’m talking about the private where you don’t share your feelings, secrets, concerns, or let people in your life (the real life you live).

I can tell you about the time I went clubbing for the first time, got really drunk, made-out with a stranger in the cab, almost got roofied, had a panic attack, and arrived home around 5 in the morning. But it’s hard to tell you that I felt sad for being away from my family that I decided to drink in order to cope, but ended up drinking a bit too much. I’ts hard to tell you that I was scared of not fitting into the gay scene that I didn’t object when a guy came to me and kissed me. It’s especially hard to tell you how disappointed I felt at myself for letting all the bad things happen that I had to step outside to be alone, but I felt so overwhelmed and had my first panic attack. That’s too personal to tell.

I don’t mean to tell people the half-truth. I really don’t. I just don’t want people to judge the real me. If I tell you all about what goes on in my head or how I view the world, you’ll probably laugh. At times, I even laugh at myself for thinking the way I do. I once thought people in this world would not purposely want to harm me (emotionally or physically), but I was wrong. People lie and people have hurt me. I freak out and break down whenever that happens. I cry sometimes. I remember crying at night when I was alone in my room in San Francisco. I was crying so hard and loud that I had a hard time breathing, and I remember feeling exhausted after and fell asleep like a baby. I nearly freaked myself out. You’re probably right in assuming that I’m rambling, but I’m letting you in my head; the random part and the private part.

I hardly tell my family as much as I’m telling you today. They’re really private people. I can’t blame them. If you knew how much drama the family has gone through, you would want to keep private too. I tell my family that I’m going out with friends. I don’t tell them that I’m going to a gay club to drink, that my friends are gay, or that I’ll possibly hook up and sleep over at my “friends'” house. I don’t tell them how miserable I feel sometimes. I don’t tell them how unsure I am of my future or the random thoughts I have while I’m home. I don’t know why. I guess i’m just a really private person.

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17 thoughts on “My Life In Private

    • I find that I’m sharing my feelings with more people, and I’m learning that I am understanding more of myself as I share. Thank you for commenting.

  1. My dear Eddy, I know exactly how you feel. There are things about my life that I judge harshly. So why share them with others? For me, it’s letting go of the shame. I did things in my life that I am ashamed of, but I did them because I was sick. I was sick mentally and physically. I was not taken care of properly. It was not my fault. Allow yourself to make choices that you want for yourself. There’s no judgment from me.

    • You’ve been so sweet to me. Yes, there are plenty of things that I have done that I now know I shouldn’t have done, but I’m learning to accept all that I have done. Now I’m going to make choices that feel right to me. Thank you for not judging.

  2. thehowlingfantogs says:

    Wow! Great post. It’s good that you have a place like this to let it all out. I’m not one for sharing my feelings either. Somehow it just seems easier on here. Enjoying getting to know you more.

    • You’re absolutely right. Sharing my feelings online seems a lot easier. Partly, because I don’t personally know everyone reading my posts. Thank you. I’m enjoying your blog as well. 🙂

  3. Orange Halo says:

    Remember that you have all the courage in the world. This too shall pass. There will always be someone out there willing to listen to you…

  4. I am humbled that you can even share this with me. You are brave to even post the stories I have just read. Reading your post has elicited memories and sentiments that are all too familiar. Keep posting you are reaching out to so many people!!

    • Wow. That’s probably the first time I’ve been called brave. I’m glad you think so. I would never have thought that I can elicit anything from my posts, and I’m happy that you are liking my blog. I hope I truly am reaching out to people. Thank you so much for your comment.

  5. Roxie the Outlaw says:

    Journaling is so healthy! It helps to write your feelings down. And feels even better when you realize that you are not alone in your feelings. I think it’s great that you are letting out your emotions whether your writing about them or just experiencing them. We have all done things we’re not so proud of. But that’s what makes us who we are! Be yourself! You sound like a very sweet and caring person. Go you!

    • Yes, I’m learning to love blogging because I have an outlet to share my feelings with people and I’m still surprised on all the positive comments I have received. Thank you and I will continue to write down my feelings as much as I can.

  6. you have no one to divulge your stories to… someone you can trust with your thoughts…. hopefully some day you will meet someone who will accept you completely….

  7. Eddy, reading this is amazing, it’s like reading what I write in my blog. However you write beautifully. It takes great courage to do what your doing. There is a lot of things I never told anyone especially my family. They are all learning through the blog. Some will hurt them, but I must stress the fact that this is about you and no one else, and unfortunately some people will never see it that way. Since starting my blog of my personal life, it has helped me become a better person within myself. A stronger me. I have also found that this has started many conversations on other people’s personal life and I love the fact that personal blogs like ours are not just helping us, they are having major effects on people who thought that there struggles and issues only happens to them which makes them feel lonely. Looking forward to keeping up with your blogs. This is only the second one in and about to read what else you have left.
    just keep unleashing the real you, you deserve to know that person more than anyone else. 😊

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