I was the type of person who didn’t need many friends to enjoy life, and I did a great job at not going to school events, house parties, my friends house, or any place where I needed to be social. Heck, I went to my first house party during my first semester at my community college, but I felt so uncomfortable that I strayed away from making conversation with people. I expected this from myself. To be honest, I’m a shy person at heart. No amount of alcohol or friends will change who I really am. But this does not change the fact that, lately, I have been wanting to hang out with friends a lot more than usual. I’m changing and this scares me.
I used to enjoy spending time alone. During high school, I used to walk straight home and arrive around 3:00 pm (3:15 pm was pushing it). I spent the rest of the day in my house, thinking about the world, and wondering what my friends were doing. I was sheltered, but I felt safe. Perhaps the feeling of being safe always prevented me from going out into this “dangerous world.” I used the 20 minute walks to and from school to escape my world and enter a world I made up. A world where I had enough money to leave home and travel around countries that I saw on television, or take trips to space and see the world from a different perspective. I wasn’t very imaginative, but I pretended to be. I lived my life through my thoughts and I would stay there for hours and that was all that I needed.
Now things are different. I no longer think about going to space nor do I have a routine to follow. I spend most of my time thinking about finding a job that will help me in the future and spending time with my friends because I fear losing contact with them. I want to go back to not having to worry about my future. A time when I thought I was creative.
But this isn’t a blog about a person who wants to go back to being a child or reminiscing about his adolescent years. No. I want to go back to six months ago, when I needed time to be alone. I walked around San Francisco for hours and did not reply to any texts from friends. I simply walked and admired where I was at the moment. I was happy. I didn’t care about much, but myself. That’s what I want to do now. I want to care about myself, be alone in thought, and enjoy life.